The biggest problem for those of us who suffer a history of abuse isn't always the abuse. We become used to it, to the point that we crave it even if we hate it. The problem that many of us suffer is actually going from one abusive situation to another. This abusive circle has been seen over and over. We wonder why we can't escape it but we can't escape it because we make sure that we are in another abusive situation. When it starts becoming too good to be true, we self sabotage, so that way we can go back to what we perceive as normal. Ryan651
and I have been dating now for 133 days. It's been 133 days of a completely different life for me. I have never had it better. Everything has changed for me since Ryan651
and I have met. The one thing I worry about is that I'm going to mess it all up. I've been going through cycles of feeling on top of the world, and just down in a rut that I can't get out of. Because of this rut, I'm constantly worried that I'm going to mess up. I'm so used to the idea of people leaving me that I know I have a tendency to sabotage what's actually working.
To be perfectly honest, I'm terrified that I will accidentally sabotage what Ryan651
and I have. I love him more than anything in the world. I would be absolutely devastated if I messed it up. It's been weighing on my mind so much that I fear it's bringing me down. A spiral that I'm trying to stop, a spiral I've always found myself in.
At times, I know, I've become codependent. My happiness rides on my ability to make him smile. I just want him to be happy. I don't want him to have any reason to leave me. It's a stupid fear. I keep having to have him remind me that he's here. I have to have him remind me that he won't leave. That isn't fair and it brings me down. So I focus on his happiness. I try to make him happy. His happiness is my peace. When he's sad or down I comfort him. I hold him close and on the outside I try to be brave and be strong. On the inside, I am afraid. I feel like a child sometimes.
I distract myself. I focus on him because there is no time to focus on me. The conflict sits in my stomach and makes me sick, but I ignore it well. I try not to let anyone see the pain that I'm in. I fill my stomach with peaceful foods like bread and crackers to settle the growing upset. I am afraid. I don't want to confront the feelings that I have. I don't want to confront the fact that I've been abandoned so many times. I don't want to look myself in the eye and say that I am codependent. I don't want to admit to the PTSD. I don't want to admit that I need help... but I do.
I stare at my medications sometimes. I don't take them. They make me tired and I end up feeling useless. It's hard to admit that I'm tired and need sleep. I don't want to sleep more than I have to because I finally have someone to be awake for. When I didn't, I didn't bother sleeping. I wasn't tired then, but now that I have someone I'm tired... and I wonder why. However, I know the reason why. I finally feel safe. I don't have to put up a fight anymore. I'm safe for once in my life, and it's great. It makes me tired though. My body is trying to catch up on all the missed sleep.
I close my eyes and wait a few moments. I think about all the things I can do today. I shouldn't be sitting here and dwelling on the things that I can't change. The fears that I don't want to fess up to. Oh the abuse that riddled my past, I wish I could forget. I don't want to hold that fear or focus any longer. I just can't handle it. I can't allow it to take away what I want. I can't allow it to take away Ryan651
I know that Ryan651
won't leave me, we're getting married in just ten days. I don't know whether to call them long or short though. There are so many things that I still need to get ready and yet, I'm so excited for the wedding that I can't wait.
My struggle is one of many. I'm not the only one who has this daily fight. It's maddening for those of us who have to walk it every day. It's a vicious cycle even after the abuse stops. Me, I'm finally out of my abusive situation, but the abuse doesn't end internally because it's gone externally. Those of us who suffer from an abusive past walk in fear every day. We are diagnosed with things such as PTSD, anxiety, or even depression. Words that label us but don't fix the underlying problem.
It's time for me to take responsibility and try to fix myself. Retraining my brain to accept this new normal. I've had a rough past but there are few things that I would change. This broken life has led me to the love of my life. Ryan651
is my whole world, my soul mate, and my best friend. My reason for fighting is him, because he makes the fight worth it. I will love him all the days of my life and I'm so proud that I will be able to call myself his wife.
Thanks for reading, SolarLunix