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Writing Exercise - 5:27 pm 28 June 2014 I wait for the flash of blue as I drive home, hoping for a message but I get none. I drive on auto pilot the whole way home, wishing for something to give. Nothing good ever waits for me at home and as I approach I see guilt on the doorstep. Gifts from the one that I've already upset.
Worse news in the mailbox. I open the letter that has sealed my day. Almost 7,000 dollars up front for tuition alone. The first payment of over 1000 dollars due by the 20th of July. I feel my heart sink. How can I tell him... how can I fix this? I feel like I can't do anything right.
I curse myself quietly, looking at the expensive computer before me. I know that it could've covered one complete payment. I look at the dog behind me, and know that he would've covered the second. I shake my head no, and feel my stomach sink. I'm not hungry - words that almost never come out of my mouth.
A call, from the most important person in my life. He's not
Writing Exercise - 3:48 pm 28 June 2014 I feel myself becoming sick. I've hurt another. I knew better than to open my mouth, but I was afraid. I should've stopped, but I was afraid and worried. I felt bad, that I had upset the only person I care about, but in my fear and with my selfish attitude I kept asking. I wanted to make it better but I only made it worse. I lay myself back and try not to cry.
My eyes continue to look at the little blue icon. Skype. Waiting for the icon to glow orange, waiting for the little number 1 to show that there is a message. I turn my eyes back to the television, starting to lose myself in the show. I try to wash my mind of headache that has already begun.
"Unstable" a voice echos in my head, and I close my eyes. I shake my head no, and tell it to go away. The cut is still there in the back of my mind. It feels like I'm bleeding, although there is no outward injury. I open my eyes again and continue to watch the show. I wonder why I continue
Fighting For You (For: Ryan651)Dearest Ryan,
Today has been nothing but ups and downs for us both. I've watched you hit some of your lowest points since we've been together. You also know that I reached mine. I came out the other side, but I feel like you're stuck. Your fears are blinding you, and I can only lead you as far as you will let me. I hold my hand out to you now, but I wonder if you can even see it.
There is nothing wrong with fear as long as you don't allow it to rule your life. Your fear is dominating your life right now, and I've been fighting your fear and anger most of the day. I haven't given up the battle, and I am really hoping that you won't give up the battle either. Remember the song I played for you earlier. "Austin" by Blake Shelton. Even if it takes a year or more for you to come around I'll be here.
Just because residency isn't easy, that doesn't mean that it's impossible. You keep coming up with these "What if" questions that you don't
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